Bullet Proof
by AmberStarry
Summary: Rimmer is sick of being a failure. He is determined to prove his worth and become an officer, no matter what anybody else thinks - but as he discovers he will need to prove his worth to himself before he can convince anybody else.
1. A Nothing

**Bullet Proof**

Rimmer stared at the roof of his bunk, his arms folded neatly over his torso and his legs crossed stiffly as he lay on the hard standard issue bedding. How did he end up here? How did he end up stuck alone three million years into deep space with Lister and his so called 'evolved' Cat creature? How did he make such a rudimentary mistake fixing the drive plate? How could one mistake cause such catastrophic results? These questions swirled through his head. He simply couldn't understand how or why any of this had happened. How could he have screwed up so phenomenally? And in the process bar any chance he had of doing well. There was never a doubt in his mind since he was a young boy that he would be a disappointment. Sure, he tried to be the perfect son – to be brave and handsome and smart, to be an officer, a man with social class and well-bred manner – but he always subconsciously knew he was never going to make it. He knew he was never going to get up the ziggurat; he would never be anybody important or noteworthy. He just wasn't good enough for that sort of thing. He didn't have the right looks or the wit, or even the right bloody parents. He had been doomed to be a nothing. He had _tried_ though. He had tried his whole life to gain just a skerrick of recognition but it was all to no avail.

Trying wasn't enough these days, you either had it or you didn't. If you had it, then you would succeed and get everything – a family, friends, wealth and status. If you didn't have it you failed and got nothing – only the knowledge that you were inferior to a degree that the only use society held for you was to unblock chicken soup vending machine nozzles. This is the category Rimmer fell into and he despised it. He had put effort and time into his career, the only thing he ever thought he might have an iota of a chance at succeeding in and it had still all amounted to zilch. Now he had no friends, no family, and no career; Just a holographic projection, an almost empty JMC mining ship and the never-ending void of space.

He sat up and swivelled his lanky frame around so he could put his feet on the ground, and glanced at the door to the sleeping quarters just as it slid open with a mechanical hum and Lister walked in holding a foil tray of chicken vindaloo. The third technician seemed perfectly content as always with his Indian cuisine and ever-optimistic outlook on life. If anything he should have been bitterer than Rimmer – he still had a life to live, a life that would inevitably be wasted alone now; at least Rimmer had the fact he was already dead if nothing else. Lister made his way to the table in the middle of the room and when he spotted Rimmer eyeing him, grinned and flopped down in the single seat accompanying it. "You're still moping around in here then, Rimmer?"

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "There's not much else to do."

"I'm sure there's something you can nit-pick, I heard the skutters on floor fifteen were feeling rebellious and repainted the walls ocean grey again after you made them paint them military grey," Lister remarked.

"Oh ha-ha, did you think of that yourself? It deserves a pathetic goit award for its brilliance."

Lister shrugged. "Well if you don't fancy that then maybe you'd prefer doing something slightly more interestin' – like bashing your head against a brick wall."

Rimmer rolled his head back. "You are beyond intolerable."

Lister shovelled a forkful of curry into his mouth. "Seriously though, you can't spend the rest of your death lamenting how crappy your life was. That part of your existence is over man, it's time to start fresh."

Well if that wasn't the stupidest thing Rimmer had ever heard. "Lister I can't just pretend that I never lived," Rimmer snapped.

The other man looked over at Rimmer. "But it wouldn't really be pretending, would it? You never lived when you were alive."

This didn't serve to make Rimmer feel any better. The hologram stood up and stormed up to the table. "You think I don't know that! I can't do anything about it now though, can I? I'm dead, dead as a can of spam! I had my time and I did absolutely nothing with it, I didn't make a single dent in the world. I had no achievements, no career, no accomplishments, no friends, not even any love; and now I'm stuck three-million-years in deep space as a hologram. I botched my life big time and there's not a damn thing I can do about it."

The second technician's sudden outburst caused Lister to put down his fork. It was silent for a moment as his bunkmate contemplated his words. Suddenly Lister began to speak again. "It doesn't have to be like that though," he began sincerely, looking up at Rimmer. "You can change all those things."

Rimmer looked at Lister disbelievingly. "And how exactly am I supposed to get any of those things _now_?"

Lister's curry somehow didn't seem as appetizing to him as it did before. He pushed it away from himself absently. "Well maybe you can't have a home or a family in the traditional sense-"

"I can't have them in _any _sense, Lister!"

"Just hear me out," Lister continued. "You can't have those things in the traditional sense but you can use what you have to make something close to them."

Rimmer was still very unconvinced. "Please explain."

The third technician lifted his legs onto the table and crossed his arms over his chest. "Firstly, for your career you can still work your way up the ranks. Sure, no one is around now to give you your pips for it but it doesn't mean you can't do it for yourself. You can still become and officer for your own peace of mind."

Rimmer was silent as Lister fed him this information. He had never thought of that, he had never considered actually giving his all and still striving to make something of himself, for himself. Now that there was nobody to compete against and no schedules, he had all the time in the world to study and perfect his knowledge. He could get his astro-nav's at his own pace.

"Secondly," Lister cut through Rimmer's epiphany, "If you can stop yourself from being a complete smeg-for-brains and loosen up a little you might be able to become friends with the rest of us, which really leads me to my third point that we'd also be your family, as nauseating as that is to say. We have to stick together since there's no one else who we can rely on now."

The hologram lifted his hand to his chin and started stroking it in thought. "Work my way up the ranks, become an officer, be nice to you and become friends and vicariously I'll get a family. It's so simple, why didn't I think of this before?"

"Because you're a total gooseberry," Lister offered.

Rimmer shot Lister a glare before his face fell. "There's still one problem," he said hopelessly.

Lister cocked an eyebrow. "Wha'?"

"What about love? I've only ever had one brief liaison with Yvonne Mgruder and now I'll never see a woman again. How am I supposed to find somebody to love?"

"Well that," Lister began, "That… I can't help you with," he finished dismally. "You never know though, we could bump into your perfect mate on an abandoned ship or something, it's possible."

There was silence. So Lister's argument, whether he phrased it like this or not, was that if Rimmer worked hard enough he could still get a career and a family, at least in a sense, but he would remain loveless. It wasn't surprising, even if there were women on board none of them would be interested in him anyway. They would surely be repulsed by him as most had done before the accident. He was unattractive and he knew it, love was always a far-off dream for him. He had lived without it thus far so he supposed he could stay without it. It didn't mean it didn't hurt though, knowing that he would die (again) without ever having truly fallen in love.

"I need to think," Rimmer murmured quickly whisking past Lister out of the room. The third technician stared after him for a few seconds before he sighed and pulled back his tray of vindaloo. He hated Rimmer with a passion most of the time, but when the man said that he was a nothing it really got to him. It was depressing and as much as he preferred not to, he sympathised with the uptight git. Nobody deserved to feel that way, even somebody as repellently anal-retentive and weasly as Rimmer. So he tried to offer the best advice he could, given the circumstances: because even people like Rimmer needed help sometimes.

There was hardly any time between Rimmer's exit and the image of Holly's old face flicking on the screen mounted on the wall opposite Lister. The senile computer blinked and looked around for a moment before zeroing in on the last human who was hunched over at the table with his food. "Do you have any idea what you've just done?"

Lister jumped and snapped his head up to look at the screen. "Holly, man, you scared the crap outta' me! What are you talkin' about?"

"I'm talking about that little pep-talk you just gave Rimmer. "

Lister's expression went deadpan. "What about it?"

"Do you have any conception of what Rimmer would be like if he ever actually became an officer? He'd be more up himself than a rectal thermometer."

The last human tapped his fork on the side of his tray. "You don't know that Hol'. He could surprise us. Maybe he won't be like that; maybe he'll become a better person."

"We're talking about Rimmer here."

Lister paled. "You're right. Oh god, what have I done?"

"You've completely cocked yourself up, that's what," Holly answered helpfully.

The third technician ran a hand through the almost buzz-cut curls on the top of his head. "How did you even hear our conversation anyway Hol'?"

Holly rolled his eyes. "Come on Dave, there's nothing else for me to do. The best entertainment I get is listening to you two mother hens clucking away."

Lister jumped up from the table. "I've got to find him."

Holly nodded. "Good luck, if you manage to rectify the situation I'll make sure Kryten has another vindaloo ready for you."

"That's nice," Lister put his hands on his hips, "But telling me where he is might be of a little more use to me right now."

Holly's expression became shocked. "Oh right, sorry. He's up on the obs deck."

Lister turned to hunt after Rimmer. "You better be right Holly, I don't want it to be like last Saturday when I was trying to find the robotics deck and you sent me to every floor except the one it was actually on."

Holly became offended. "For the last time, it was the skutters fault for making humorous gestures at me every time I went to give you directions!"

"Yeah, blame it on the underdogs," Lister called over his shoulder as he too left the sleeping quarters.

* * *

Lister jogged down the hall, his thick leather boots thudding heavily against the corrugated steel floors. His rasta plaits flew out behind him, tangling themselves around each other as he hurried to his destination. Lister hated walking down the corridors of Red Dwarf; now that there was no crew around it was utterly unnerving. There were no screens to project Holly in the labyrinth that surrounded the rooms, so the only sounds that could be heard were the mechanical creaks and hums of the ships inner-workings. He could handle being the last human alive; when he was in the bars or in his sleeping quarters which felt lived in he could almost convince himself that there were others on the other side of the door: that too little had changed for him to really be the only one left. But walking down the corridors there was no escaping the reality that he was it. He was by himself in a cold, metal cage that he would most likely never escape. And that was more terrifying than all of the monsters he and the other boys had encountered combined.

As he rounded another corner he caught sight of Kryten and a wave of relief washed over him. He slowed his pace to a brisk walk. The mechanoid appeared to be dusting a circuit board up ahead; Lister never failed to marvel at the sheer contentment Kryten got out of simply cleaning things: If only his life were so simple.

Kryten turned and waved at Lister happily when the man came closer, and Lister waved back. "Hey Kryten, man, have you seen Rimmer go past here?"

Kryten fumbled for a second standing up straight and slotting his duster into the holster-like device around his waist, and turning back to Lister boasting a happy smile. "Good evening Sir! I do believe Mr Rimmer passed me a few minutes ago, muttering to himself about becoming an officer."

Lister cringed. "Do you think I can convince him to _not_ become one?"

The mechanoid looked puzzled and cocked his head to the side curiously. "Isn't that what we've been trying to do for the last four years?"

Lister shook his head and sighed. "I kind of maybe told him that he could work his way up the ranks and become an officer at his own pace. Then Holly pointed out how much gittier he'll become if he follows through. I can hardly stand the guy now, I have to stop him before he gets so unbearable that I lose it and decide to play whack-a-mole with his holographic projection unit."

Kryten recoiled. "Oh, that is most definitely a problem Sir. Best you hurry and catch up with him before he does something you'll both regret."

Lister nodded. "Why do I feel the stupidest human alive?"

Kryten's vocal unit zinged. "Truth mode," came the robotic statement indicating his protocol chips had been set off. "Because you _are_ Sir."

All Lister could do was rub his face with the palm of his hand and turn back to the long corridor ahead of him. The observation deck seemed far too far away at the moment. "I'll catch up with you later Kryten, I have to fix this mess before everything turns to smeg."

Kryten nodded happily. "Very well Sir. Oh and Mister Lister, would you like me to bring some fresh cans of lager to your sleeping quarters for when you return?"

"Please," Lister said in a sigh as he started yet again on his journey following after the ships resident hologram. He now went slower, he knew the stairs were down the end of the corridor and then he would just have to climb them to get to the floor Rimmer was apparently skulking around on. He didn't know what was more daunting, walking back through the cold maze of corridors to his sleeping quarters or convincing Rimmer to be unconvinced of his previous advice. Somehow the latter didn't seem like it should have been that hard but Lister felt that Rimmer was going to be difficult – because let's face it, Rimmer was _always _difficult.

The rest of the walk and climb up the stairs passed by fairly quickly and before he knew it Lister was up on the observation deck, standing inside the glass dome that arched over his small frame giving the illusion that he was standing in space, surrounded by a plethora of stars. Rimmer usually came up here to brood on particularly important matters: like the death of his father for instance, and Lister had to give him credit – the guy had good taste in places of contemplation. It was almost mesmerising, sometimes when you were stuck in the midst of steel and iron walls you forgot that you were floating in an endless abyss of black broken only by thousands of twinkling lights. Lister liked to watch the stars – that is why he had always liked the small window in his sleeping quarters: he could always look out of it and marvel if he fancied. He supposed this was one of the very few things he and Rimmer had in common.

Rimmer was on the far side of the dome, almost right against the glass peering out while standing rigidly with one of his hands up holding his chin. He didn't notice Lister's emergence from the deck below nor his current presence behind him, so naturally he got the fright of his life when Lister put his hand on his shoulder in an attempted gesture of friendship.

"Gah! Lister, don't sneak up on people like that!" Rimmer jumped and span around simultaneously, making Lister step back in surprise.

Lister gave Rimmer one of his lopsided smiles. "Sorry man, didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to tell you that I was completely wrong – you shouldn't work your way up the ranks, I mean what would it be for? You can't do anything with it, ya' might as well find happiness with your situation now, it's more logical you know."

Rimmer's nostrils flared. "No, I _don't _know Lister. First you're telling me I can make still make something myself if I want to and then you tell me not to bother. You're more indecisive than an overweight person who's trying to pick what to have first at an all-you-can-eat buffet."

"I know man, but I thought better of what I said-"

"Thought _better_? You thought better of what you said? Does that mean that you honestly believe everything you said before was complete hogwash?"

Lister looked at the ground. "Well yeah…"

There was a pause as Rimmer stared Lister down disbelievingly for a few moments before huffing resolutely and crossing his arms over his chest. "Why?"

Lister looked back up. "Why what?"

"Why did you change your mind?"

The stars outside the dome suddenly felt farther away than ever and were becoming more appealing by the second. If Lister could have just floated away into them he would have. "Because I realised how stupid that would be. It would be a waste of time and energy. Wouldn't you rather be reading your Morris Dancer Weekly's or practicing your Hammond Organ?" Lister had to force himself to keep a straight face as he spoke, even the mentioning of Rimmer's hobbies made him want to cringe.

Rimmer rocked back and forth on his heels. "You don't think I can do it, do you? You think I'll never make it, and want to spare my feelings before it happens."

Lister's eyes widened. "Well actually-"

"I'll prove you wrong you know. This little chat is just the push I needed, I've now decided – I'm going to become an officer. I'll do it and I'll show you, I'll show all of you that Arnold J. Rimmer _is _something, _can _be something. You'll never underestimate me ever again." With That Rimmer gave Lister a standard Rimmer salute and strode past the space-bum with his newfound confidence.

Lister turned as Rimmer passed him and followed the hologram with his eyes. How could this have backfired so severely on him? Instead of stopping Rimmer from becoming an officer he had made him decide that he was going to do it no matter what. The last human walked over to the stairs dejectedly, but before he left the obs deck he looked up at the screen above the door. "Holly."

Holly's face flashed up on the screen and his eyes rolled down to look at the man standing before him. "I suppose you want me to tell Kryten to double the lager."

"Triple it and I expect that vindaloo to be ready for me when I get back."

* * *

Rimmer walked purposefully through halls to the library on E deck. He was going to study and pass his exams and become an officer if it was the last thing he did. He would show all of them. He was smart enough to do this, he knew he was. He was sick of everybody thinking he couldn't do anything, that he would never accomplish any achievements. First it had been his parents – his overbearing father with his insatiable inferiority complex which he pushed on all of his sons, his alcoholic succubus whore of a mother who never showed even an ounce of affection to him, his teachers, his classmates, his peers, his superiors and now Lister and the rest of them. There was not once single person in the universe that had confidence in him.

But he was going to change all that. He would force them to see.

Rimmer rubbed his hand over his right eye. _Don't cry god dammit, don't cry. You can't let them see you cry, they'll never let you hear the end of it._ The tear that had leaked from his eye was wiped away and he carried on trying his hardest to hold back the rest of didn't want to be a failure any more. He just wanted to get something, _anything_ right.

He still failed to realise that before anybody could have confidence in him, he would need to have confidence in himself.

* * *

**To Be Continued…**

**Guys! So I decided to do a chapter fanfiction for the Dwarf. This one is going to be centred on Rimmer and may or may not have some RimmerxLister at some point depending on how I feel the story is going. I plan on this only being a short one, maybe five or six chapters.**

**Hope you enjoyed the first chapter! :D**

**Amber*****


	2. A Nobody

_If the quantum probability of exceeding the speed of light is larger than 0.05 when entering a black hole, it is safe to assume that it is perfectly possible to use a black hole to travel from one point in space to another in virtually less than a microsecond. This means that it may be possible to jump to different parts of the universe instantaneously._

_The equation for this theory currently stands thus: QpC20.05=ST/I_

_or in worded form: Quantum Probability of the Speed of Light squared is greater than 0.05 is equal to Space multiplied by Time over Infinity._

_This equation is known as the Space/Time Jump theorem and has yet to have any metaphysical evidence to validate it, but is still one of the most important astronavigation theories to have been written in the twenty-third century._

_If one was able to put this theory into practice, it is totally acceptable to assume that flights across the galaxy could be done in a matter of hours rather than years-_

Rimmer looked up from the astronavigation textbook he had been poring over and rubbed his eyes wearily with his index finger and thumb. There was no two ways about it – astronavigation had to be the single most boring subject that man had ever created. Who gave a smeg about the quantum probability of the speed of light? The most interesting thing about this whole section was the last bit, in which if the theory was even possible that trips like the one Red Dwarf had been on would only take a couple of hours. If only they had got this smegging theory up and running at the time they had left Mimas, then maybe he wouldn't be stuck in deep space in the first place.

The second technician stood up and walked over to his bunk, flopping down lethargically in it. It was as uncomfortable as ever, but he liked it that way. He could have always gone and taken the captains quarters, or the quarters of one of the officers, but he didn't want to be alone. Somehow having Lister snoring away above him put him at ease. Oh god, he must have really been loosing his mind.

Suddenly the room was filled with the noise of high-pitched yowling and the Cat span into the room, caressing his black sequined jacket. Rimmer absently rolled his head to the side to look at the room's newest occupant. "Is there something you wanted Cat?" His tone was snarky as per usual.

The Cat dusted off his completely clean lapels and looked down at Rimmer who was staring up at him disinterestedly. "Have you seen dog-breath? We were supposed to go check out that moon we passed yesterday but I haven't been able to find him anywhere!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes and turned his head back to face the roof of the bunk. He had never liked the Cat much, he was such a superficial creature and he had about as much brains as a cabbage. The hologram wasn't in the least bit surprised that Lister had hit it off so well with him. "I think he might be down in the Galaxia Bar on G deck, but I could be wrong. He said he was going to one of the bars anyway, I'm sure."

The Cat huffed and put his hands on his hips. "Oh, well, that narrows it down!"

Sighing Rimmer turned back to the Cat again. Speaking to him was like talking to a child. "Look, I don't know where he is. Now would you kindly leave so I can have some peace and quiet?"

"What the hell's wrong with you Goal-post head? You're more depressed than you usually are - and _that's_ saying something."

The hologram let out a sigh and sat up. "Not that you would care, you fish-devouring idiot, but I'm trying to pass my astronav's and yet again I'm failing to understand any of it."

"That's because you suck." The Cat pulled over a chair and gracefully took a seat. "Look bud, the way I see it you either like something or you don't. You obviously don't like this astronavigation stuff, so don't do it! Find something you actually are good at and do that instead."

Rimmer slapped a hand to his forehead. "It's not a matter of if I like it or not, you sobering buffoon, it's the only path for me to work my way up to officer status. If there was another way don't you think I'd be doing that?"

The Cat stood up and fixed the position of his jacket. "Whatever bud, but you're wasting your time."

"Says you."

"Says every sane person in the universe, alphabet-head." The Cat span around, turning his head back to address the hologram one last time. "Anyway, I'm out bud. If you need me I'll be looking for the monkey."

The second technician watched irritated as the feline creature left the room as quickly as he had entered it. Could he be right? Maybe he should try something else. But he was determined to pass his _astronav's _not some other useless course. He wanted to do what it took to become an officer, and most certainly none of the other exams lead to that work path. So the only thing for it was to suck it up and keep reading that damned astronavigation textbook.

Oh, the unfathomable joy that conclusion brought.

* * *

Lister picked up the spanner, turned it around in his hand to inspect it, came to the conclusion that it would be sufficient for what he wanted to use it for, nodded in satisfaction and then proceeded to bash the storage locker that he was standing in front of with it. This had been the majority of his afternoon, prowling around the storage bays forcing lockers open and then scavenging any interesting objects they contained. He had acquired a decent haul – three car magazines, one containing a special article on hover bikes, a thimble, a pair of hand-knitted mittens with the words 'I love you to the third moon of Jupiter and back'; two hair ties, a zero-gee football card, the personal diary of someone named Arlene Broaker and one triple-thick condom.

He had stayed in the sleeping quarters for a while, but watching Rimmer wrack his brains trying to retain astronavigation facts was something he could only endure for so long without going brain-dead. He decided to leave the guy in peace and quiet, if not to get something done, then to realize what a smeghead he was being. It would probably be a few hours before it was safe to return.

The third technician smacked the locker with the wrench for the tenth time and the seal broke off, letting the door reluctantly inch open. Lister dropped the wrench carelessly on the ground and pushed the door so that the he could see its contents. Inside laid several textbooks, all useless and unexciting to Lister. He was about to move on to the next locker when a small brown book on the shelf below the others caught his eye. He reached his hand in and snatched up the item, holding it up to his eyes for closer inspection. It was hardback and bound in leather, no title was written on the front. Carefully Lister peeled open its three-million-year-old pages and read the name that was written on the inside of the front cover in impeccably neat handwriting. _A.J.R b.s.c _were the initials and qualification penned down. Lister knew this signature almost as intimately as his own.

A.J.R b.s.c

Arnold Judas Rimmer, bronze swimming certificate.

This was Rimmer's storage locker, and this book, the one Lister was now goggling at, was his diary.

The self-proclaimed spacebum could only imagine what lay hidden among the pages of this journal. Rimmer's most personal, intimate feelings were written down here, probably stuff that he didn't want anyone else to see under any circumstances. So naturally Lister flipped to a random page and began to eagerly read an entry:

_March 4__th__ 3048_

_Dear diary, _

_Today I bumped into Yvonne McGruder. She was as gorgeous as ever, but she didn't even seem to recognize me. I don't understand what I did to make her act that way, I wasn't that bad in bed, was I? I suppose I could have been, it was my first time after all… but she said I was funny and sweet, and that I should come around to her quarters again soon for tea; she must have wanted me, she had to, to say those things. But then she just started avoiding me like the plague… maybe she's on her woman's period? I doubt it. She probably just realized what a pathetic waste of of a man I am. Why am I even surprised? I shouldn't be, it makes sense really. _

_I got a new roommate today, David Lister. I think he was that cab driver that had to drag me out of the android brothel I stopped into while on planet leave on Mimas. He seemed to recognize me straight away when we were introduced. God that was embarrassing - what a first impression to make! I'm sure he already thinks I'm a first class stooge. He seems nice enough for now, pretty laid back and casual, I just hope he can put on a professional face when we get to work – I don't want to be pulling around an imbecile. But most of all I hope I don't make an idiot of myself any further; perhaps we could become friends if I manage to keep my cool. I think I can do it, maybe. _

_I failed my astronav's for the tenth time yesterday; but it's not all lost! I'm head of Z shift now. I hope I can live up to the captain's expectations and get the shift to perform their duties cleanly and efficiently. No chicken soup vending machine nozzle shall be clogged on my watch! I'm going to be the best shift leader that Red Dwarf has ever seen!_

_Wish me luck diary._

_Signing off,_  
_A.J Rimmer_

Lister raised an eyebrow. This entry was from the day he arrived on Red Dwarf and met Rimmer for the second time, albeit properly. So Rimmer's first impression of him hadn't necessarily been bad, he actually thought Lister seemed nice. Now that was weird to think about. And Rimmer really didn't know about that concussion McGruder got? Poor guy, Lister had been told about it by his own friends and apparently she actually did like Rimmer; people had seen them together, but once she recovered she didn't think any of it was real. Rimmer didn't have friends so to speak, so nobody must have ever told him.

The last human flipped over to another page and read on, wanting to know more.

_March 28__th__ 3048_

_Dear diary, _

_I could not have been stuck with a more incompetent buffoon than David Lister. He is completely mad! He doesn't by deodorant, soap, aftershave; he doesn't always have a pen handy; he doesn't have basic stationary at all in fact – no hold reinforcers, no rulers, no loose-leaf! He never washes his socks, I'm sure I saw one crawling along the floor the other day… He smokes, he drinks, he eats nothing but curries and he insists on playing his guitar everyday even though he's so bad at it that I'm almost ready to throw it out of an airlock. If that isn't bad enough, whenever we're on duty he makes silly noises, always flirts with female staff even if we're in the middle of doing something, taps beats on the trolley and always confuses 14B's with 14F's! He's useless, absolutely useless and disgusting! I can't believe I have to share my sleeping quarters with this thing. _

_As you can tell from my rant, diary, I haven't been able to get much done with this idiot around. My shift has gone bonkers; none of them will listen to me! I've had three complaints of wrong orders coming out of the vending machines in the last four weeks! That's far too many! No other shift would have as many complaints as mine; they wouldn't have any complaints at all in fact. Once again I have failed in my duties. I am ashamed of myself. _

_Speaking of failing I once again flunked the astronavigation exam. I went in, looked at the paper and choked. I wrote 'I am a fish' four hundred times on the exam paper, signed my name and then fainted on the spot like a sissy girl. I don't think I'm ever going to become an officer. _

_Signing off,  
A.J Rimmer_

All thoughts of first impressions left Lister's head. So now he got to the Rimmer he knew, the neurotic, uptight asshole that couldn't handle a little roughing if his life depended on it. This a few weeks after Lister joined, and what few weeks it had been. Those were the days.

Lister decided to read one more entry, he would leave the rest for later but he couldn't help himself. Flicking a few pages deeper he opened the diary and began reading once again.

_April 17__th__ 3048_

_Dear diary, _

_Things have only gotten worse since I last wrote in you. Lister has become an even bigger pain in my backside; it feels as though we're an old married couple – arguing every chance we get. I'm sick of it. And to think we might have been friends. I don't know whose fault it is that things turned out this way – his for being so grotesque and pathetic, or mine for being too quick to judge. Either way, he hates me now and I hate him, it seems things we'll probably stay like this until we get back to Earth. _

_I failed my astronavigation exam yet again. That's the eleventh time in succession. I even tried to cheat this time – I wrote information all over my body – when I went in I rolled up one of my sleeves and because I had been sweating from nervousness the whole thing just smudged over my arm. All I could do was press my hand down on th paper and hope by some miracle the words would magically appear on it. They didn't. I signed my name, did a full Rimmer and then fainted again. I am not bad. I am ridiculously least I'm not as bad as Lister though. _

_I think it's time for me to throw in the towel. I just can't do it, I'll never be an officer, never. Mother and father will probably never speak to me again, and I'll never hear the end of it from John and Howard. I'm a nobody and a nothing, and that's what I'll always be._

_I give up. _

_Signing off,  
Nobody of importance_

Lister closed the diary and three it into the sack he had been carrying his load around in. He sat down on one of the benches in between the lockers and started playing with one of his dreads quietly.

All Rimmer wanted to do was be successful, that's all he wanted. When Lister thought about it, it really wasn't much to ask. To be recognized by just one person, by at least your parents. No, it wasn't anything big at all. Everybody wanted recognition. Everybody wanted to be important to somebody.

Every single person in Rimmer's life had shunned him, even Lister. He had never been important to anybody.

Lister put the dreadlock in his mouth and started chewing on it glumly. This was his fault, not completely but partly at least. It was his fault that Rimmer was the way he was. He could have tried to be nice to him, but he never did. He could have tried to put up with Rimmer's anal-retentive habits but he didn't. He mocked them. He laughed at them. He put Rimmer down and not once tried to lift him up again. He never tried to understand Rimmer's situation, take a step in his shoes, see it from his perspective, look through his eyes. He just took it as it appeared and told Rimmer he was a complete smeghead like everybody else. He was a terrible person.

He would make it up to Rimmer.

He had to.

Without a second thought, Lister jumped up and ran out of the storage bay leaving his haul on the ground, among it Rimmer's diary, forgotten.

* * *

"Kryten, do you think bringing back Arnold was a good idea?"

Kryten looked up from the table he was scrubbing in the exam room at Holly and blinked. "Why do you ask, Holly?"

The old computer frowned and looked down. "I suppose it's just that I'm senile, right, and sometimes I wonder if the decisions I make aren't complete stupid."

The sanitation mechanoid nodded and continued scrubbing the table with the sponge he held. "No argument that you're senile. However I don't think that bringing Mr Rimmer back was a mistake. You see the fact that Mr Rimmer and Mr Lister don't get along is what keeps Mr Lister sane; there's always something for him to do, to annoy Mr Rimmer, or be told off by Mr Rimmer, or complain about Mr Rimmer. With the added bonus that he can speak to Mr Rimmer if he wants to as well."

"What if I had brought back Kochanski instead?"

Kryten snapped his neck up. "Well if I had to guess I'd say they'd be doing a lot of that strange thing where they rub their bodies together horizontally. It's quite peculiar but apparently humans get some sort of pleasure out of it."

Holly nodded. "You're probably right."

"Do you not like Mr Rimmer?" Kryten inquired.

Holly looked at Kryten. "If you want my honest opinion I don't really like anybody, all they do is boss me around. Holly turn off the lights, Holly set a course for Earth, Holly watch out for that giant flaming meteorite. It's bloody annoying."

Kryten looked at the computer quizzically. "Well you do run the ship."

"Yeah, but I'm not their mum."

Kryten shook his head. "Whatever you say Holly."

Holly nodded triumphantly. "Damn straight."

* * *

**To Be Continued…**

**Ahoy!**

**I forgot to mention when this story is supposed to be set. Truthfully, it's kind of a non-existent time frame that doesn't occur in the series or the books. It's set at a time where Kryten has joined the rest of the crew, the male version of Holly is still present, Rimmer is a hardlight hologram and they're all still on Red Dwarf. Not in Starbug.**

**If you haven't read the books then the diary entries might be a bit confusing since the first two are referencing the books timeline, while the third one refers to the first episode of the show. I made up the dates, as it is never actually said which year it's supposed to be, or month or day for that matter.**

**I also made up the very first bit about the space/time jump theorum. It doesn't exist, it's just mumbo jumbo. But I'm sure you all figured that out xD**

**I had fun writing the start of this chapter with Rimmer and the Cat.**

**Hope you enjoyed the second chapter!**

**Amber*****


	3. A Hollow Man

Rimmer let out a nearly inhuman roar of frustration and tugged his chestnut curls almost viciously. None of this gibberish made an ounce of sense to him, and this time he had legitimately made a valiant effort to study, if eight hours could be considered legitimate. He had read over half of the textbook and it appeared completely Greek. It might as well have been written in an alien language as far as he was concerned, because he was sure it wouldn't have any difference.

There was nothing else for it, had had to face facts. There was no way he was going to be able to become an officer at this rate, even if he had an eternity to memorise these textbooks inside-out it still wouldn't be enough. It was one thing to commit the facts to memory, it was another to comprehend them – and you would never truly be an officer if you had zero expertise in the field. At one point Rimmer had been willing to do whatever it took to get up the ranks, cheating seemed a perfectly acceptable idea. Now he wasn't as sure: if you cheated to get somewhere, did you really ever get there at all?

Everything seemed hopeless, no matter what he tried. He would never outshine his brothers, or impress his parents. In fact he doubted he would ever shine at all.

"Rimmer!"

The hologram turned around surprised by the urgency of the voice calling his name, only to catch sight of Lister and have his face drop in disappointment. "The Cat's been looking for you, you know. He came in twice complaining about how you're harder to find than a matching sock."

Lister stopped in front of Rimmer, who was standing in the middle of the sleeping quarters still unchanged from the morning and clad in his white shirt, boxers and socks which he routinely slept in. The shorter man bent over and rested his weight on his knees for a few moments, trying to catch his breath. "Cat can wait," he finally answered, standing back up straight.

Rimmer blinked disinterestedly. "I don't suppose this is about anything remotely interesting or useful," he remarked snidely.

Without warning Lister lunged at Rimmer, enveloping the hologram in a bear hug. Rimmer immediately went rigid in shock and discomfiture, his eyes widening to three times their usual size and darting around frantically in his head, trying to figure out what was going on.

Lister sensing Rimmer's tenseness abated and stood back, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. Rimmer did not unfreeze from his statue-like posture, instead staying in exactly the same position he was in after Lister had attacked him; he stared at Lister with wide eyes, still unsure of what the other technician was thinking. When Lister realized Rimmer was not going to speak, he took the proactive approach and broke the silence that had fell upon them. "Sorry abou' that, but I just wanted to let you know that you're me' mate, and I care abou' yeh."

Lister watched as Rimmer slowly became animated again, very gradually moving so he was facing him front on almost as if he had been frozen in ice and was now melting, giving movement to each of his limbs one by one. When the hologram had finally gathered his senses he responded in the only way he could think fit. "My mother never hugged me."

It was totally unexpected; Lister raised an eyebrow. "Wha'?"

"My mother, she never once hugged me or any of my brothers. The best we got was a nod, but I was lucky to even get _that_."

"That's terrible," said Lister, his eyebrows knitting together in incredulity.

Suddenly Rimmer realized what he had said and how intimate and uncalled for it was. His primary mental defense mechanism kicked in and he abruptly snapped back to his usual demeanor to cover his embarrassment. "Not that that gives you the right to lay your filthy hands on me, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Lister recoiled slightly but gained his composure again quickly. "What you just said, that's what's wrong Rimmer. Nobody has ever given you any affection, have they, not even your mother."

"What's it to you?"

The third technician blew out a breath. "I'm starting to wonder that."

Rimmer crossed his arms over his chest. "Well it's not true anyway. I've had affection, people have been affectionate to me."

"You just said your own mother never hugged you."

"She hugged me, mentally. But I didn't really deserve to be hugged anyway, so you can't blame her. Nothing strange about that." Rimmer put on a fake smile.

Lister blinked, not believing what he was hearing. "You don't earn hugs, they're not something you "deserve" Rimmer, just like affection isn't something you earn. It's a part of love, something that should be unconditional always. You should be loved regardless of your job or your rank or your personality." The third technician suddenly felt a pang of guilt course through him as the statement brought back the reason he had ambushed Rimmer to the front of his mind. He looked at the ground. "Everybody should be loved by somebody."

Rimmer felt very uncomfortable. "And you're telling me this because?" he asked, masking his unease with an uppity smile as he began to rock on his heels.

Lister looked back up at Rimmer. "Because I'm sorry," he said, "I'm sorry that I've always just dismissed you, that I've always treated you as neurotic, uptight, megalomaniac; because even if you are one, and you are a total smeghead, it doesn't mean you don't feel."

Rimmer halted his motion. "Well that's as well as may be, but I'm still failing to understand what you're driveling about."

Lister's face went serious. Looked like he was going to have to spell it out for his bunkmate. "I love you. As a friend."

There was a pause. "Uh, thankyou?" Rimmer looked to the left and right suspiciously. "Am I being punked?"

"Nobody has ever had any confidence in you, nobody has ever told you that they think you're capable of accomplishing whatever you set your mind to. They've always told you you're no good, and you'll always be no good. Well I'm going to change that, I _want_ to change that. I want you to know that you are better than you think you are, and you can achieve anything you want. I want to let you know I'm here for you." Lister's expression was earnest. He looked into Rimmers eyes with a sense of conviction, willing the other man to understand his genuineness.

Rimmer, having never been confronted with straight-out, honest-to-goodness compassion being directed towards him though _still _failed to connect the dots. "You've just realized you're gay, haven't you?"

"Argh!" Lister slapped a hand to his forehead is frustration.

"I knew it," Rimmer continued, now sure he had finally caught on to the crux of Lister's point when really he was completely off base, "You were far too friendly with that insufferable pretty boy, Ace Rimmer. I'm still certain he would have proposed if he hadn't dashed off so unceremoniously."

The third technician shot Rimmer an exasperated look. "I'm being serious here!"

"So am I, he left rather abruptly, it was actually quite rude. I guess proper manners and social etiquette were the only two things he didn't know."

Lister put his hands on his hips. 'Stop trash-talking Ace. He's exactly what I'm talking about, he gained some self-confidence and look what he did! And you can't say that that has nothing to do with you, because he IS you! That's all you need, but you can't get it the way Ace did - that ship sailed long ago."

Something about Lister's words made Rimmer's stomach drop and his fake bravado finally began to fade. "I never got the break he did, it's true, but what can I do about it now? I'm trying to understand this stuff, I just can't." The second technician bowed his head in shame.

"I'm here to tell you that you can."

The door to the sleeping quarters opened with a mechanical hum and Kryten waddled in holding a tray with a fried-egg-chilly-chutney sandwich and a beer milkshake balanced on it. "I just came to give you your lunch mister Lister," the mechanoid paused when he saw the serious expressions on Lister and Rimmer's faces. "Is this a bad time Sir?"

"Yeah Kryten, it is. Leave the food on the table, I'll get to it in a –"

"There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you buddy!" Cat strode into the sleeping quarters, stopping next to Kryten and grinning inaapropriately. "Why's everybody so serious?"

Lister pinched the bridge of his nose. "Rimer and I are in the middle of something, can you come back later?"

"What's happening dudes?" Holly's face flicked on the mirror that doubled as a computer screen, peering curiously at the four characters huddled in the sleeping quarters.

"Oh come on!" Lister snapped getting more exasperated by the second. "Okay, since everybody is here I have an announcement. We're all going to support Rimmer from now on. We've been too cruel to him. He's one of the boys, and he deserves to be treated as such. Savvy?"

The Cat raised an eyebrow. "Wait a minute, you want us to be nice to goal-post head? I don't know if that's physically possible bud."

"I going to have to agree with the Cat on this one, it's going to be tough," Holly inputted. "But if it's for you Dave, I'll give it a try, or at least I'll try to give it a try."

"I am one hundred percent behind you Sir, since my protocol chips won't let me be anywhere else no matter how much I disagree with you," Kryten added.

Lister looked over the faces of his friends, letting his eyes land on Rimmer's miserable face last. It was clear that Rimmer was on the verge of bursting to tears, and who could blame him? His four closest acquaintances were saying they didn't even want to attempt being nice to him. Listers face hardened into an expression of determination. "That's not the attitude and not the Red Dwarf way!" he declared. "Now we are going to support our friend, okay?" The others stared at him blankly so he repeated himself with more force. "OKAY?"

The others gave in with a simultaneous "Okay".

"Good," Lister smiled, feeling accomplished. He leaned forward and shook his hands loosely in front of him in the posse's signature handshake, "Boys from the Dwarf!" Kryten and Cat copied him and repeated the motto, but Rimmer stayed still and silent. Lister smiled at the hologram and nudged his arm lightly, "Come on, you're one of the boys as well it's not complete without you."

Rimmer looked at Lister, and then at Cat, Kryten and Holly who were now all smiling at him. He suddenly had a warm feeling in his stomach that he had never felt before. So this was support, it felt good. Rimmer leaned forward with Lister and together the posse did their signature handshake and motto together:

"Boys from the Dwarf!"

* * *

**To Be Continued...**

I have to admit, this chapter was quite hard to write and may come across as OOC. But I did try, it's a bit shorter than the previous chapters, but it does its job.

Amber***  



	4. A Something

"The equation for hyperspace is –"

"The mass of the universe times the speed of light squared over infinity." Rimmer looked at Lister who was perched up on his bunk with the hologram's astronavigation textbook resting in his lap. His eyes were wide and hopeful, listening intently for the third technician's response.

Lister grinned and put his hand up for a high-five. "You're right! You did it man!" Rimmer's mouth dropped open in shock and then pure, unadulterated joy shot through him like a lightning bolt.

He eagerly bounded up to Lister and slapped his hand to the other man's outstretched one. "I did it! I did it! I remembered something!"

"At this rate you'll be able to answer all the exam questions in no time," Lister put down the book and hopped down from the bunk, heading over to the new fridge he had had installed in the sleeping quarters. He pulled out a beer and turned to Rimmer who was positively beaming.

"Do you really think I can do it?" He asked the question like it was sacred.

Lister smirked. "We've already been through this, of course I do!" He opened the can and took a swig. "Just keep doin' what you're doin'."

Rimmer ran a hand through his hair and sat down on his bunk. His lanky legs sprawled out in front of him. He looked like a schoolboy excited for a present or an event he had been looking forward to for forever. "If I do become an officer…" he trailed off, unsure of how to finish the sentence.

"Then you'll have the run of the ship," Lister finished for him. "You already pretty much do, but I'm sure there'll be new things that open up for yeh when you get there."

"I'm happy."

Lister arched an eyebrow and took another swig of his lager. "That's good."

"No really," Rimmer insisted, "I haven't felt this way for years. There was always someone putting me down, making me believe I wasn't worth it – and if there weren't, then I would take up that job myself. But now everybody is confident in me, or at least they're acting like they are, and I don't feel the need to blame myself. I have a clear conscience. I can think, I can remember, I can study. I can become an officer. But right now, I feel like I would be content to just stay like this if I had to."

Lister walked forward and sat down next to Rimmer, can of beer still in hand. "I'm happy for yeh, man. You deserve it." There was a pang of pain in the curry-stained mans voice though. It wasn't because he wasn't sincere and thought Rimmer should get any less, or even because he had treated Rimmer so unfairly – although he probably should have still felt guilty about that. It was about the fact that he felt the way Rimmer did, like he didn't deserve anything he got. He was abandoned under a pool table for gods' sake, left to rot and probably for good reason. He had done nothing with his life, made no impression whatsoever and yet here he was, the last human being left in the universe, suddenly given the responsibility of repopulating his species. He didn't deserve this responsibility at all; he hadn't earned it, in any way. Somebody more competent should have ended up in this role, not a washed-out, pathetic spacebum like himself.

Rimmer heard the hesitation in Lister's voice and eyed him suspiciously. "You don't sound like you mean it," the hologram couldn't help being a bit doubtful, everything always ended up blowing back in his face.

Lister shook his head. "No I do mean it, I was just thinkin' about myself. I mean, I don't deserve what I've got, do I? I don't deserve to be the last human left, I'm a nobody and a nothing, why me? Somebody much better than I am should have ended up here."

The shock coursed through Rimmer. Lister had always been the optimistic, upbeat one. When he got depressed, it was usually over being lonely, not about being deserving, and he was most certainly never this ruminative. The hologram shrugged and fidgeted on the spot. "You didn't exactly ask for this, none of us did…" he turned to Lister who was looking at the ground, the lager can now lowered into his lap. "Nobody would have been better or worse in this role than you, because like you nobody would have been prepared for it. It's not everyday you become the last member of your species you know."

"I'm a sucky last member of our species," Lister breathed, putting his can of lager on the ground. He suddenly didn't feel like drinking anymore.

Rimmer hesitated, then slowly lifted his arm and placed it around Lister's shoulder. "You'll be okay, I think," he tried to say reassuringly. It felt strange trying to comfort somebody else, when he had scarcely been comforted himself.

Lister looked up at him. "Thanks man." Their faces were close, closer than was probably necessary or decent in fact. Rimmer's cheeks flushed a pale pink hue and he looked away, uncomfortable to say the least.

Lister glanced at his clock. It was eleven at night but he didn't feel tired. Rimmer lifted his arm off him and coughed nervously. The tension in the room was suddenly palpable and neither of them could understand the reason behind it. They had just been chatting, giving each other a bit of help. So why did it feel so intimate? Lister stood up and pulled the textbook down from his bunk. "Want to keep revising?" he sat down next to Rimmer again and opened up the book to the page he had been reading off before.

Rimmer nodded stiffly and Lister read out another question. "A quasar is-"

"An energetic and distant active galactic nucleus," Rimmer answered. He started twiddling his thumbs absently. Why did the atmosphere in the room become so thick? He could have cut it with a knife. He had not expected any of this to happen and he didn't know whether to complain or let it slide.

"Correct," Lister mumbled, growing increasingly aware of how close he and Rimmer were sitting. This was not possible, he did _not _feel that way about Rimmer; he _could not _feel that way about him. Nope. Absolutely not.

The thrill of getting answers correct had dissipated leaving a strange churning sensation in Rimmers stomach. He was not accustomed to feeling this way. "Well Listy, seems like I'm doing pretty well," he said weakly.

The third technician snapped his head up. Rimmer hadn't called him 'Listy' for the better part of a day. Somehow the nickname sounded foreign to his ears, even though the hologram used it on him regularly. "You can call me Dave you know," he found himself saying. Truly he didn't care either way if he was addressed by his first or last name, but he felt that he had been on close terms with Rimmer long enough that the whole space corps etiquette of addressing crewmen by their surnames could be scrapped. It was silly really, they had been living together with no one else besides the Cat, Holly and Kryten for so many years and yet they didn't even call each other by their first names.

"Uh, okay, _Dave_." The name sounded wrong on Rimmer's tongue, like it shouldn't have been uttered and did not belong in his vocabulary. "I suppose you can call me Arnold then, if you have to that is," he managed to throw in the obligatory scorn that he usually attached to his interactions with Lister. It didn't feel the same though, almost wrong in fact. He must have been going soft.

"Am I interrupting anything sirs?" Kryten popped his head into the sleeping quarters to see Rimmer and Lister sitting on Rimmer's bunk, looking at a textbook.

"Not at all, Krytes," Lister answered with relief at having somebody finally break up the tension.

The mechanoid smiled and disappeared for a moment, before reentering with a trolley with two plates on it. "I've come to give you dinner sirs, I know it's quite late but seeing as you two don't really have a fixed sleeping schedule I thought it wouldn't be that much of a problem." The robot lifted up the silver lids that had been covering the plates to reveal one chicken vindaloo with multiple papadums and another plate with a piece of grilled beef and some vegetables. "Oh and I know you don't have to eat Mr Rimmer sir, but I thought I'd whip something up for you anyway."

Rimmer was startled, nobody really did things for him out of the kindness of their heart. Of course Kryten was a mechanoid and programmed to serve, so he didn't really count as acting out of kindness - but Rimmer would take what he could get. "Thank you Kryten," he muttered, standing up and walking over to the trays of food. Lister followed behind him.

"I also brought you a can of lager and a cup or orange juice, I think you know which is for who." The mechanoid bowed slightly and stepped away from the trolley. "I'm going to power down for the night sirs, see you in the morning." With that Kryten disappeared leaving the other two alone again.

Lister picked up the plate of his curry and hopped up onto his bunk to begin to eat, while Rimmer sat down at the metal table and pulled his plate over to him. "I forget what it's like to be hungry," he commented as he started to cut off a piece of the beef.

Lister nodded. "Ah yeah, I guess you don't feel hungry since you don't need food. SO what's it like eating? Do you get full?"

"It's strange," said Rimmer, "I don't feel hungry, I'm never in need of food. When I do eat I can taste it, but I never feel full or empty. It's just the sensation of eating really. I get no gratification in the end."

Lister put down his curry and jumped down again. He walked over to the hologram that was now chewing a mouthful of food. "You only get the sensation of eating? I wonder if it's the same fer everything else."

Rimmer swallowed. "What do you mean?" He looked up at Lister who was now standing over him.

The other man shrugged. "Is everything your hardlight body can do only sensation?"

Rimmer stood up. He was unsure of everything about this situation; he and Lister being civil, Lister taking an interest in him, Kryten making him dinner. It was overwhelming. It was unnatural. He couldn't forget those few passing moments though, when Lister had defended him. That was all he needed, just a little bit of confidence from someone, and when Lister gave it to him, he swore he felt bulletproof: like nothing ever could or would hurt him again. How did you thank someone for making you feel that way?

He swallowed. Bending down he grabbed Lister's shoulders gently, the shorter man looking up at him in confusion. "Rimmer, what are ye-" but Lister never got to finish the question. Rimmer pressed his lips to the other mans, Listers eyes widened considerably. It was oiley, and Listers stubble grazed his cleanly shaven lips. The shorter man tasted of curry and cigarettes, and something that was distinctly _Dave_. It was bitter and salty and so many other wrong things that Rimmer could only describe as bad; yet like a fried-egg-chilly-chutney-sandwich, all the things that were plainly wrong about this kiss somehow combined to make one big _right_. His heart raced, his curls stood on end, his breathing accelerated. Lister had gone rigid in shock at first, but to Rimmers surprise he also began to melt into it, like he was enjoying himself just as much.

A few more seconds and Rimmer pulled away, gasping for breath. He wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt and looked away, a visible blush rising to his cheeks once again.

Lister blinked and looked at the ground, trying to understand the situation. He went over the main facts in his head: Rimmer kissed him, kiss felt good. Everything after that was wrong and disgusting and needed to be blocked out of his mind forever, because he would never admit thinking anything even remotely romantic about the smeghead he shared his sleeping quarters with.

Rimmer was just about to address Lister again when the Cat came into the room grinning from ear-to-ear. "Hey guys, look what I found in the locker bays!" He held up the sack Lister had been collecting his load with earlier happily, ignoring the complete awkwardness emanating off the other two at full force.

Lister's eyes widened. "Give that to me now!" He lunged for it, but the Cat pulled it out of his reach and shook his head.

"These are MY things, bud. I found them." The Cat reached his hand into the sack and pulled out the little brown leather-bound book. "And look at this! It's a book written my Alphabet-head!"

Rimmer nostrils flared and he snatched the diary out of the Cat's hand. "How did you find this? It was in my –" he cut himself off. He knew the answer. Only Lister had mastered the art of breaking into lockers, the Cat didn't even know how to go about it and Kryten would never dream of it. He turned to the rasta-plaited man. "You took it from my locker. You read it, didn't you?" His face crumpled into an ugly scowl. "All of this was just because you felt sorry for me wasn't it? You pitied me? And to think I actually thought you may have matured a bit and finally accepted me." He threw the diary at Lister angrily. "Here, have it. Read every page. You've already caused enough damage that I'm sure anything in there wouldn't make any difference."

With that the hologram stomped out of the room, but with his hardlight body he didn't even get the satisfaction of a thumping sound as he brought his feet heavily down on the floor. Lister was left staring aimlessly at the doorway, too stunned to respond. The Cat, once again ignoring the circumstances surrounding him simply shrugged and went back to the bag containing 'his' things.

* * *

**To Be Continued…**

**I have taken the leap. Yep, I decided to do a bit of slash, so sue me. Of course I'm all for the bromance and/or friendship as well.**


	5. A Somebody

There was nothing that could save him now; or so it seemed.

Rimmer paced the length of the hologram simulation suite. It wasn't the most spectacular of rooms – covered in posters and leaflets about the posthumous revival of crewmen, how to cope with your death and the workings of being a hologramatic being – all of which were hologramatic themselves of course, so he could pick them up, or would have been able to had he still been softlight. There were control panels and command stations for keying in instructions all relating to the arithmetic his programming ran on, none of which he had an idea how to interpret. And then of course there was the machinery stock of whatsits and gizmos for tweaking Holly and fixing lightbees.

It was remarkable how so much space and time and equipment was needed for just one hologram. It filled up a whole room with little space to spare. He sat down on one of the chairs and sighed. Everything was against him. His status, his appearance, his ambitions, his relationships – _his relationships_. Another, more hopeless sigh escaped his lips. What did he expect? He got his hopes up, just to be knocked straight back down to the ground. It had happened so many times before that it shouldn't have been a shock anymore, and it wasn't really. A part of him actually expected it to happen; yet that fact didn't cushion the fall at all. It still hurt, and he'd be damned if he knew why.

"Maybe everybody would be happier if I just switched myself off," me muttered to nobody in particular.

"I'm not a genius or anything, but I don't reckon that would be the best idea," Holly's familiar sardonic voice replied.

Rimmer snapped his head up and looked at the screen. Holly's face stared back at him seriously. "What's the difference? Everybody hates me anyway," the sad thing was Rimmer believed this with all his heart.

Holly shook his head. "Not true Arnold. We're not particularly fond of you, but he don't hate you."

"Well that makes me feel better," Rimmer rebutted sarcastically.

"Lister wouldn't survive without you," Holly continued ignoring Rimmer's remark, "You keep him sane."

Rimmer's nostrils flared. "Do I?" He snapped. "Because I'm pretty sure I'm driving him _insane _as well as driving myself insane, I'm no good for anybody. And besides, why do I have to live for him, I hate him! Why should I continue to exist when there's no reason for it? I'm useless, utterly useless! What have I done that is of any importance or significance?"

Holly blinked. The computer knew this was going to happen sooner or later. Rimmer was very unstable, having twice the amount of neurosis that a normal person should be bestowed; but then, who could blame the guy? He hadn't exactly had much luck. Still, it was bound to come to a point where he started questioning why he was even there in the first place. It had never been clear why Holly revived him, Holly hadn't explained because it was far too complex for Rimmer's mind to handle. However the computer did have a reason for bringing him back and it looked like he was going to have to lay it out on the table for the smeghead.

"You're essential to Lister's mental health," Holly reiterated, "because you're so incompatible with him." The computer was reluctant to go on, but what had to be done had to be done. "You're so incompatible with him that you… _are _compatible. In simple, you and Lister are a perfect match because you're so different."

Rimmer raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't make one ounce of sense you bald-headed goit."

"That's the point," Holly droned. "If it was easy to understand, then I would have explained to you as soon as I revived you to save myself the trouble of having to explain it to you now."

Rimmer huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. "Well try to make it clearer you dummy."

Holly sighed. "You and Lister have a certain chemistry that works on multiple levels to keep you both going. You hate each other and you always argue, this keeps your mind active, but you also have a deeper bond, a friendship that neither of you acknowledge, that also keeps you stable because deep down you know you'll always be there for each other."

"You just pulled that out of your ass. No wait, you don't have an ass, so I can't even grant you that excuse," Rimmer sneered. This drivel Holly was spewing was not convincing him. He and Lister were not friends: they were not anything.

"Oi!" Holly interjected. "I resent that remark!"

"And I resent being born," Rimmer muttered. He was sick of all this, he just wanted out. Nobody would be the worse off for it, he was sure. "Just turn me off Holly, please."

"Nobody's turning anybody off." Lister trudged into the suite, breathing heavily as if he had just run a marathon. He sure was getting a work out these days, running all over the ship to find his bunkmate.

Rimmer was up in a flash. "What are you doing here? Go away! This is none of your business."

Lister shook his head. "Not my business? You're my best friend, I think it kind of is me' business!" The third technician's eyes widened when he realized he had let slip something he have never dared to utter before.

Rimmer's expression tightened into an unsure mush of anger and confusion. "Best friend? We've never been friends. You've always hated me; I know you have. It's been pity central with you and I, friendship was never part of the equation."

At this point Lister felt like his stomach had just dropped out of his bum. The guilt coursing through him was so strong he literally felt nauseous. He knew he hadn't acted the right way but something was different now. He was starting to feel things for the hologram that he never thought he could, and maybe this was more for the better than the worse. "You are my friend, I don't hate you. Maybe even more than a friend, I don't know. You're special to me Rimmer, in a screwed up kind of way."

It was all Rimmer could do to finally breakdown. He slumped back into the chair he had previously been sitting in. Tears started to seep out of the corners of his eyes, but this time he didn't bother to try and hold them back. It was no use, he was a terrible person who got shat and spat on at every possible opportunity. And he knew it. "Please just stop," he whispered futilely, "I am completely done with everything, I just want to crawl into a little hole and die."

As Lister watched the man before him breakdown crying, he felt tears come to his own eyes. They were both helpless, useless things, and up until this point he never realized how much he sympathized with Rimmer. This whole time they had both been completely alone, but now he realized, they could be alone together. He sat down on Rimmer's lap, facing the opposite way so his legs jutted out behind the back of the chair, grabbed the holograms face and smashed thief lips together in a passionate kiss which he channeled all of his emotions into. His hands slipped through Rimmer's curls, their faces were so close together he could feel the metallic H scraping softly against his own forehead, Rimmer's eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks, his nose pressing into the others cheek, but he didn't care. He wanted to get his point across and he wanted Rimmer, and that was all there was to it.

Rimmer was shocked rigid but felt himself responding slowly anyway, despite the voice in his head that was telling him to push Lister off and scream obscenities at the top of his lungs at him. He supposed he was desperate for any sort of human contact, even if it was caused by pity. He found himself wrapping his arms around Lister's waist, gently grasping the other mans dreadlocks in his hands and rolling them around in between his pale slender fingers. He could feel himself shaking slightly, the enormity of the situation for him was slowly sinking in and the emotions were washing over him were leaving him weak. He was a mix of fear and desire and guilt and anger. Yet the feeling of Lister's body against his gave him some sort of sick comfort that he would have preferred to deny. There was the constant hammering in his brain that wouldn't let him have any solace, but this time he was putting up a valiant effort to block it out. He often doubted he'd ever be happy, but right now, for a reason he couldn't explain for the life of him, he felt pretty close.

Holly watched as the two men embraced for a moment. It had been his intention from the beginning for this to happen, he didn't have an IQ of 6000 for nothing. It was keeping his true reasoning a secret from the two of them that was the hard part; if he had told them his true ulterior motive they would have thought he was crazy, and perhaps he was, but he liked to think he was crazy in a good way. He granted himself a smile before he flicked himself off-screen, leaving the two to their privacy. He couldn't do much, but what he did do, well, he couldn't be faulted on it.

Lister pulled out of the kiss, looking Rimmer dead in the eyes. "I don't snog just anybody you know," his forehead was against Rimmer's, and once again he could feel the H being indented into his head, but he didn't give a damn. He absently started playing with one of the curls at the base of Rimmer's neck.

Rimmer locked gazes with Lister. Unlike his own jumbled train of thought, Lister's brown orbs seemed to project a steady and sure flow of emotion that was directed point-blank towards him. It was a lot to handle in only a few minutes and he couldn't help but feel overwhelmed again. "I generally just don't snog anybody," he came back lamely, half-smiling.

Lister closed his eyes and laughed. It was a hearty laugh, one that came from his chest; it was honest and pure. "Well you have me now, feel free to change your snogless life anytime."

The hologram smiled weakly. He still didn't trust Lister's words, and he still wasn't completely convinced that this all wasn't just a charade. "Why would you want me?" He asked.

Lister shrugged. "I have no idea, but I do. Love isn't meant to make sense man, you just have to go with it."

Rimmers eyes almost popped out of his skull. "W-what did you just say?"

The third technician looked into his eyes. "I said I love you, smeghead."

And it was at this point that Rimmer's enire world came crashing down around him, but contrary to the normal meaning of that analogy, it was in a good way. His entire existence had hinged on the belief that nobody could ever love him, and now somebody like Lister had casually come along and thrown that sentiment out the window. Despite himself, he had to hear it one more time to make sure he wasn't just loosing his mind. "Say that again?"

Lister sighed. "I love you." He stood up from the chair and offered Rimmer one of his gloved hands. "Come on, I'm dying for a smoke now."

This time Rimmer laughed. He took Lister's hand and pulled himself up, and together they walked out of the hologram simulation suite. Behind them, the many monitors began to playback memories Rimmer had of the two of them together. Was it fate, or was it dumb luck that had brought them to this point?

Unbeknownst to Rimmer it was neither; it was one very sly senile computer.

* * *

**To be Continued…**

**Well, well, well, three holes in the ground.**

**I kid, that is a bad one, even I admit it. So here we have half angst/half fluff. I'm pretty sure the next chapter will be the last, so stay tuned by fellow Dwarfers!**

**Amber*****


	6. A Fullfilled Man

**Five weeks later…**

Rimmer walked into the sleeping quarters, a paper slip in is hands. He was silent as he approached and sat down at the metal table, putting the slip down on its surface. Lister glanced up from the cat book he was reading and looked at he hologram as he sat wordlessly. Putting down the book, he slipped out of his bunk and walked up to Rimmer, shoving his hands in his pockets. "So, how did you go?"

The second technician drummed his fingers on the table. He didn't look at Lister as he spoke. "Depends on what your definition of 'go' is."

Lister rolled his eyes playfully and pulled up a seat next to Rimmer. "Just tell me, smeghead."

All his life (and non-life) Rimmer had been working to achieve his goals, which often seemed so far away he'd never reach them. He'd tried to be perfect, to be on the ball, to be witty and resourceful and hard working. He'd made every effort to push himself up those damn ranks that always teetered just above his head, precariously taunting him in a way that tore at his emotions so deeply that half of the time he couldn't even express his anguish and frustration, because it was too complex and twisted for even himself to fully comprehend. He had been persistent and fairly resilient through his incessant failures and downfalls, even though most of them cut him severely. He knew that it was the fault of many things, the circumstances, his psychological state, his motivation, his neurosis, the voice of his father constantly berating him in his head and the noise of his brothers' jeering laughter in the background. He knew it was the atmosphere, and the setting, and the people around him. He knew it was the lack of sleep, the lonely, drunken nights, and the infinite anxiety. Deep down he knew that he was destined to fail, but also that the failures were not only his own fault. They were a combination of hazards and distractions and depressions all melded into one crippling entity that could only be described as a monster of pure self-loathing and self-depreciation. He knew this and he knew it well.

It was a source of great satisfaction and relief then when he had gotten the slip of paper back from the results machine. But, strangely, not as exhilarating as he thought it would be. Yes, it made him happy beyond belief, but no, it didn't make him feel any closer to his goal, or any more accomplished. And now that he had finally done what he had set out to do, he felt he could admit that he was actually okay with that. With this knowledge in his mind, he permitted himself a smile and turned to Lister calmly. "I passed," he answered in a level tone.

The third technician beamed and stood from his chair, jumping on the spot happily. "That's great! You finally did it!" He bent down and gave Rimmer a congratulatory kiss. As Lister stood back up he noticed Rimmer's apparent indifference and cocked his head to the side, puzzled. "Aren't you happy?"

Rimmer nodded, then stopped himself and shook his head instead. "Yes and no," he replied. "I'm happy that I passed, but it hasn't given me any great fulfillment like I thought it would. I've done what I wanted to do for so long, but I guess I've finally reached the point where I actually don't need it to be happy anymore."

Lister pulled a hand out of one of his pant pockets and scratched his temple in thought as he tried to process what Rimmer was telling him. "So what, you don't want to be an officer anymore?"

The hologram let out an incredulous laugh. "I guess not!"

Try as he might, the third technician was still confused. As long as he had known Rimmer it had been his one ambition to become an officer and make a name for himself; it had been his dream, his raison detre. And now the smegger was sitting here telling him that he didn't care about that any more? It made no sense. It was all Lister could do to ask his next question; because it was about the only thing he could say in his current state of perplexity. "Why?"

"I realised," Rimmer started, "that all the aspirations I had to be an officer were not for the fact that _I _wanted to be an officer, or that I particularly liked engineering or astronavigation, but because I wanted to prove myself to other people; to my father, to my brothers, to my acquaintances. And I wanted to prove myself to get respect and fame, but mostly, to get recognition as an okay sort of guy, somebody who was actually decent and had a good job and was attractive in at least some way. I wanted to become an officer so people would like me; that was the ulterior motive behind most of my goals." Rimmer stopped there. He felt a wave of emotions overcoming him, but they were good emotions for once.

"So what happened then? Why the sudden change?" Lister prompted, taking a seat once again.

Rimmer smiled, a genuine smile he had not displayed for what felt like years. "Now I don't have to become an officer to get people to like me, because I have somebody who likes me just the way I am." A warm feeling started to build in the holograms stomach and he looked at Lister, shooting the spacebum a lopsided smile.

Lister raised an eyebrow. "And who might that be?" The spacebum wasn't really known for his common sense, it really was a shock any time he exhibited any sort of intelligence or wisdom.

"I'm talking about _you_, you goit!" Rimmer snapped playfully, with a slight bit of frustration added in.

The information finally clicked in Lister's head and he grinned unrestrainedly. "Are you sayin' I changed your whole perspective on life?"

"Don't get too smug," Rimmer backhanded. "Remember, I'm a officer now, I could whip your arse down to the level of the cleaning droids if I wanted to."

"I'm sure you like whippin' my arse, hey Rimmer?" Lister guffawed at Rimmer's mortified expression. "Calm down, I'm only messin' with yeh'. But seriously, you're not goin' to start pullin' rank on me again are you?"

"Only when necessity calls for it Listy," Rimmer answered honestly, standing from his seat for the first time since he had entered the sleeping quarters.

Lister watched as Rimmer walked around the table towards him. "So will I have to start callin' yeh Officer Arnold J. Rimmer then?"

"Oh god no," Rimmer stuck his tongue out in mock disgust, "It makes me sounds like a twat."

"So you admit you're a twat then? Ow!" Lister rubbed his head in the spot Rimmer had whacked him. "That was uncalled for."

"You never call your superior officer a twat Listy."

"I thought you were only goin' to pull rank when it was necessary."

"That was necessary."

"No it wasn't."

"It was completely necessary Listy."

"Oh shut up!" Lister stood up and brought Rimmer's head down into a passionate kiss, thereby cutting the conversation off. Both men smiled into the kiss, delighted to share each others warmth. "I hope you really do feel happy now," Lister remarked as he broke away from the kiss.

"I feel better than happy," Rimmer answered, wrapping his arms around Lister's waist. "I feel loved."

That night Rimmer found his small brown diary and wrote and entry for the first time in three-million-years. It wasn't particularly long or extravagant, but it was important. Unlike all the previous entries that were filled with angst and frustration and depression, this one was finally filled with joy and hope. It went something like this:

_September 18__th__, some time three-million-years after my last entry_

Dear Diary,  
I know it's been a while – over three-million-years to be exact and I apologise. Quite a few things have happened to me during this time, but I'm not going to go into them because it would take far too much time and effort, and frankly I can't be smegged. What I will tell you is that I have learned a lot over this time period; dying does that to you – yes, I died and I'm a hologram, don't act so surprised, the rest of the crew died as well, well, except for Lister that is. 

_About Lister, he's still the worst human being I've ever met. Even after all these years he's still a slob, he's still a slob, he's still infuriatingly irritating, he still eats nothing but curries and he still insists on listening to Rastabilly-skank even though I'm sure it's singlehndedly responsible for causing brain hemorrhages. Most of all he's still an idiot, but something has happened recently to sort of make up for all his faults; he treats me like a human being, like a person with feelings, he actually cares now like nobody bothered to before. He's made me see things from a different perspective. Like I said, he's still an idiot, but he's _my _idiot. _

_That's right diary, I love him, and he loves me. At least I'm pretty sure anyway. I feel so much better about the world now. And you know what I've come to believe?_

Love makes you bulletproof. 

_Signing off,  
Officer A.J. Rimmer  
_


End file.
